Christian Struggles

This book is dedicated to the LORD, JESUS CHRIST. He is my eyes, my ears, my hands and my heart. Thank you Lord.

This book is targeted to those who have faced a situation that has been life altering. It could be a devastating disease such as cancer or an accident that in a second your life will never be the same. Most people who have never really experienced something at that level cannot truly know what it is like. They are there to support you but they can only imagine. My own mother had three bouts of cancer and I was there for her as much as I could, but I really do not know what it was like for her.

I personalized this book in a journal format so I could share the day-to-day knowledge; the thoughts and worries of discovering there are a serious problem; and the uncertainty of not knowing what we are going to do about it. There is no simplicity of any kind because it can take months for a battery of tests and x-rays to conclude a prognosis for the doctor.

In my situation, I went completely numb on the right side of my body. Of course, I knew that this could not be a good sign but honestly didn’t think it could be as serious as it was. Through the journey, I discovered that my entire spine is more fragile than one could imagine--I felt like a deer staring into a car’s headlights--as the doctor informed me I could become paralyzed.

This in itself is overwhelming; however, I had to end my career, leaving me with no options and nothing to look forward to leaving me feeling hopeless and lost. Financially my husband and I were unprepared, yet this forced me into retirement with too much debt and an overwhelming fear of losing our home.

The journey I embarked on became a series of surgeries, complications, and an emotional roller coaster of fear and anxiety. I bounced from one doctor to another. How much more would my body be able to take…I thought. I become completely reliant on a feeding tube for nourishment for six months.

It became a necessity for me to re-invent myself because I didn’t know who I was anymore. All the things that I identified with myself I could not physically do anymore. I thought my life was over. It is, as I know it and I could not see anything ahead that would give my life meaning.

As I came to the end of my journal, I began to experience something that I did not know was there. I had received medication to help with my depression and I made the decision not to have more surgery at this time. God intervened as I came to the end of my journey with hope restored and a light to my future. This has taken about two years to get to this point, so to anyone facing something similar, it will take time. Embrace this knowledge and try to stay patient.

God has opened my eyes to see that my future is writing. I have always had a passion for writing but everything has gotten in the way so I could not take it seriously. I now have the proper tools at my disposal plus the time to put into what I want to say.

I pray that this journal will help with the way you are feeling on your journey or provide some insight to a loved one that has to see you go through something they cannot even begin to understand. Whatever your reasons for reading this, I have prayed that if this book is for one or one thousand, the Lord would put this into your hands to help you to know you are not alone and someone truly understands how you feel.

I’m sitting in church, tears rolling down my cheeks, supposedly having everything; loving husband, children, grandchildren, home, Jesus, saved and going to heaven – and my heart is beating in exhilaration, my chest hurts, my stomach feels like a pressure of gas pushing against the wall, and anxiety and nervousness running through my body. Oh please, do not let anyone see me.

I am o.k., really I am. Oh no…more tears. Oh, the pain in my chest and stomach is beginning to be too much for me to handle. I just want to get out of here. Let me go! All I want is to run – run so fast and so far that no one can find me. I cannot because of my husband and those around me. What will they think? They may try to stop me, but please, let me go. I am having one of those anxiety attacks and I hate it.

Why do I feel like I do? No, I will pretend everything is o.k. Wipe the tears away and stay, but I would rather remove myself because I feel terrible right now and I do not know why! Oh God, it hurts so bad – why God, why?

The above is the preface to my new book 'Oh God, It Hurts So Bad". My prayer is that those of you who have suffered or are suffering this very minute will find this book a blessing...Ms Anita